But I can't

I look in the mirror,

I see myself.

I see those eyes I’ve seen for years.

I see my features, all of them.

There is a scar on my forehead,

I want to reach up and touch it,

to make me remember what I want to remember.

But I can’t.

My arms stay where they are.

And I realise.

No, not only me.

Him.

He realises too.

I want to scream my lungs out.

But I can’t.

I look into the mirror again.

Now I see both,

me, and him.

He smiles, and I see how smug he is.

He stares, smiles, then laughs.

He laughs at my misery.

I see myself laughing,

the sides of my eyes crinkling,

my eyes looking each like a wing of a bird.

I want to cry.

I want to feel hot tears running down my cheek.

I want to sob.

But I can’t.

So I cry inwardly.

It’s so unusual.

I am laughing and crying at the same time.

He sees this,

and starts laughing harder,

which makes him cry.

I got my wish,

but I am crying for all the wrong reasons.

I want to feel like I am running free in an open meadow,

I want to feel the sun on my skin.

I want to have control over my body.

I want to be alone in my head.

But, I can’t.